avoid!

A drawer-full of his handwriting that I can't bear to throw out or read over.

And then, because it was time to file IT returns, I open the relevant files. And I see a form he signed some time in March last year, for this year's returns.

Provident and far-seeing but not far-seeing enough, Appa. What returns will I file on your behalf for three months' worth of pension?

Talking to myself, really

Where are you when I need you, Appa?

I could use your good sense and calm, and ability to meet every situation head-on no matter how unfamiliar, overwhelming or strange. Whatever happens we will face.

I guess. But I could use the talking to you. I could do with your reassurance. I need your ability to break it down into manageable little parts, one baby step at a time.

Your absence is bitterly ironic. You knew this would happen, didn't you? You knew and yet you left. Of course, if you had stayed, beyond all ability, the only thing I would have learnt is that you could no longer help. So of course, I'm glad you didn't stay to see your helpnessness reflected in my face.

Whatever happens we will face.

But. It's no manner of use expecting me to step into your shoes, you know. I can't do it.

So I'm panicking and I'm ready to give up. I'm about to throw the towel in and say, it's all too much, find someone else to do all this.

And you're not here to talk me out of it. Or to encourage me and list out what the worst is that could happen (which is nothing much at all. Rationally I know this).

Whatever happens we will face.

Damn it, Appa, I'm not grown up enough for this. Please come back and tell me what's best to do.